Abuse is when a person does something to someone else and it causes trauma, and it's usually done on purpose, although maybe they don't realize they're hurting someone. There are a lot of types of abuse. My mother was physically abused by her father; he hit her. I asked my mother what the difference was between spanking and her father hitting her. She said that he was hitting her because he was angry and he didn't just use his hand, he used other objects to hit her. She said he was not careful about how he hit her, or how often, or why. She said it's different to spank a child because the child did something wrong and refuses to understand from talking about it, and hitting a child because you're angry and want to hit something.
She said physical abuse is not the only type of abuse she got, or that many other multiples have gotten, as a child. She explained some other types of abuse to me, but told me she was going to have to keep some information about abuse to herself until I was older. She said some of it is so bad, so disgusting, that she has a hard time thinking about it or talking about it, and she doesn't want to give me nightmares. But here are some samples of what we talked about:
Emotional abuse is when someone tries to make you feel things, like guilt, so that you'll do something you don't really want to do. It can also be hurting someone emotionally to make you feel better -- like teasing and playing tricks on people.
Physical abuse happens when someone hurts you on purpose.
Being told that you're a sinner and that you're going to go to hell can be abuse -- that is spiritual trauma, or religious abuse. Mom says that if God exists only God can make that judgment and people should keep their minds and mouths out of judging other people, especially children.
Social abuse is keeping someone from having, making or keeping friends and other relationships. It also sometimes happens when someone won't let you talk to other people.
Financial abuse is what happens when you let someone spend all your money and put you into debt, make you owe money, and then leaves you to take the punishment or to repay it. It also happens when someone demands that you spend your money to get them things.
Sexual abuse is when someone touches your private parts without permission, or forces you to touch their private parts even if you don't want to. Mom says that sometimes young kids are curious about things, but when a person who is much older uses that curiosity for their own pleasure it's also sexual abuse. Mom explained that there's a legal age called the "Age of Consent" that the law says a person needs to be to be able to say yes to sexual contact before it is legal. She says the actual age varies depending on whose law it is and each teenager comes to understanding sexuality at different times, but the law says it's usually in the later teens or early adulthood.
Mental abuse would be things like keeping a child from learning, telling them they are stupid (although that's also emotional abuse), or teaching a child things that are not true.
There's another type of abuse, called neglect, which means that someone isn't doing enough to take proper care of the child. There's emotional neglect, physical neglect, spiritual neglect, mental neglect, social neglect....
One type of neglect stands out the most: When one parent abuses a child and the other parent knows or suspects that it's happening but doesn't do anything about it. That means that both parents are abusing the child -- one by doing, and the other by not stopping it. My mother says that is a very serious neglect and betrayal, and that it stands out the most because most people forget that it counts too.
Abuse traumas are more likely to cause someone to become multiple than most other traumas because they usually happen over and over again. Sometimes the abuser is a parent, both parents, or a close friend or relative of the family who is able to get the child alone. It can happen in a day care or in a preschool, it can happen at home, at a friend or babysitter's house, a camp, etc. Where the abuse takes place is not usually as important as who the child is with, and that becomes important later on, when I talk about who is Front.
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